A Dab of Mayo on a Big, Big Apple

Story - A Dab of Mayo on a Big, Big Apple: Before the smoking bans came to NYC, a peep could find warm shelter for a smoke at the TGIF just off o' Broadway. That's where my friend Marf 'n I were innocently pounding coffin nails into our lungs... where we'd cross paths with one o' the most interesting characters we'd ever meet... a Dutchmen named Weird... Richard d'Weird.
And how did we meet him? Oh... this is good...

From down the bar, we heard someone asking the bartender, "Where are your prostitutes?"

Now, prostitution may be just another aspect of life in some Asian cultures, 'n just another marketable product in The Netherlands, but in America it's no bueno... es muy muy bad. The Puritans who replaced this land's native population weren't too hot on sex... prostitution even less... throwin' around words like "sin", "crime" and "witchcraft". Whatever corncob they had stuck up their ass, it drove 'em to make sure that prostitution wasn't legal here. Well... at least that's the standing story on how America gave up any ability to regulate 'n control the sex trade.

Our friend with the odd accent was risking a good ole stake burnin'. Marf 'n I were two good ole boys from Nebraska. We can smell a woodpile warmin' up from a mile away. We quickly pulled the guy away from the bar 'n over to an open table. There, we had to crush his hopes of finding any kinda Red Light District in NYC that didn't include jail time... 'n added a few other tips to keep him in good standing with John Q Law. He "got it" the second we said it... trading us some of his own tips that the city had learned into him. It was love at first sight.

Days later, at our favorite mafia restaurant, I found myself pointing a little too eagerly at Richard's plate while trying to get Marf's attention. Marf asked what I was grunting about... causing Richard to stop as well.

"He just ordered a THIRD side of mayo", I finally said. "I'm serious, man... they drown 'em in that shit. I seen 'em do it!"

Marf and Richard both laughed at the "Pulp Fiction" reference. Richard gladly started telling us about all the different kinds of mayo they had in Holland... reminding us (yet again) that we had to join up with him over there 'n start a business.

"A business in mayo", I asked.

"No, no, mayo is everywhere. We do new business."

It was my turn to laugh. "Once we're done being homeless, maybe we'll think about Amsterdam. Finish your mayo."

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